kiddy

2012-02-09T10:10:00.002+08:00

burning desire.

2012-02-02T23:01:00.001+08:00

being hidayah has been amazing lately.
i think she's a whole lot happier but also filled with constant internal conflicts in her head but majorly happy.

i can just lie down, think and grin to myself every time i think about everything.
I've got enough and more.
i feel so, chocolaty and warm and sweet it hurts to know im happy like this and it can end anytime.

there's so much to love.

♥

2012-01-29T22:27:00.001+08:00

you know you're init for everything when you feel linked all the time.

this is the kind of love im talking about.
the one that hits you in the gut and sucks the life out of you.
when you feel high all the time.
when each time you see him, it makes you real happy, almost bursting at the seams.
like you want to do everything, anything and nothing but be happy anyway.
like, you feel his presence everywhere all the time.

my world is a glorious place.
♥

2012-01-27T10:52:00.002+08:00

im happy.

are you?

2012-01-21T19:20:00.000+08:00

i think it is rather dangerous to have a maze of a mind.
it's like building Great Wall of China between you and reality, somehow.

anyway, if you all haven't already know, I've started school.
school, has always been a pain in the neck for me. I've never liked it, or loved it needless to say. the thought of school sets my bowel systems in motion and i experience excruciating pain in the tummy area. no kidding.
however, i must say, this time round it has been good so far. I've found new friends whom i can click with and it's not so bad (not including when assignments start to pour in) being in school itself.
the thing i found tough within the initial days was M (i know you'd read this but i think i reserve the right to pour my thoughts here). i felt, the distance wasn't justified. i felt like it was normal but on the other hand M didn't and i felt helpless in the sense, i can't change the situation because the norm for me will be to go to school and ditch everything else.
saying my thoughts out loud at Starbucks made me feel lousy all over again, like the time i had with G when school started back in 2009. honestly, i felt that it would be my turning point to begin to care less and focus only on myself because M didn't care enough to understand that school is a survival lesson these days.
honestly, it bugs me knowing that whatever i do, it can never be deemed enough for someone, so much so the time to myself virtually sums up to nothing.
does that happen to you? like time is against you.
i hate this feeling, this feeling of not being the best but instead being the lousiest because you inject so much pain and negativity in another. i prefer things simple.

i have lots of thoughts.
but ultimately, i think im just growing up.

2012-01-20T13:05:00.001+08:00

in an instant where everything felt too familiar and it felt like you're thrown into a whirlwind,
an enigma.
leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.

things don't really seem real till it ends.
don't you think so?

figures why everything is taken for granted.

on a relatively realistic note,
the weather has been unforgiving.
thy is melting.

2012-01-17T10:16:00.002+08:00

i am perpetually annoyed by technology.

2012-01-10T22:18:00.000+08:00

amazingly wrong.

a contradiction in itself.

2012-01-09T22:32:00.000+08:00

i reckon,

situations age you.

2012-01-09T11:23:00.004+08:00

i like things small and petite.
hence, i find my phone real humongous and thus im clumsy with it.

anyway,
i think my body is rejecting work and everything else.
i just feel so awfully lethargic.

till then.

2012-01-05T22:26:00.001+08:00

we sizzled.

2012-01-04T23:11:00.002+08:00

circumstances can be a rather unkind thing.
if it were any different, i wouldn't be here, i wouldn't be feeling what i am feeling, i wouldn't see what i am seeing, and so on.
im just saying, life would have been a lot more, well, different.

it's scary how your whole path might veer off in a single moment, one that could change forever.
or maybe, God wants your journey to be an arduous one so you'd appreciate it more when you're back on track.

my life at the moment, is journeying through a bend. i do not know where im heading nor am i sure of anything certainly. i can only take one step at a time, one second at a time; in bite sizes.
it is frustrating to know that i owe the world and the people around me so much but i can never really repay them. like how i wish i can let you know exactly, crystal clear, how much you mean to me.

in my world,
there's so much to love.
but there's only one,
of me.

i would, if i could.

-
on a side note,
im terribly excited for tomorrow.
:)

2011-12-28T11:17:00.001+08:00

i don't want loads of money.

i want time.
i want smiles.
i want, to be happy.

2011-12-27T18:10:00.004+08:00

my off isn't really "off".

it's like a growing cloud of helplessness and emptiness.

devouring me till im desolate.

i want to break free of this but i just can't seem to.

i want to run free, hair flying and mussed.

i want me to be sun kissed.

i want me to be so tired everynight i don't have dreams.

why is it so damn hard?

i hate me alot sometimes.

am i the only one having these complexities?

or am i unknowingly bipolar. no i dont think so.

sigh.

2011-12-21T22:52:00.001+08:00

love you.
♥

2011-12-17T20:31:00.003+08:00

it's one of those days i find everyone unpleasant.

bug off.

2011-12-12T22:07:00.000+08:00

happy half a year baby!
xoxo.

2011-12-05T23:16:00.001+08:00

a huge congratulations to my brother & his newly wedded wife (: i am happy for both of you, honest. and of course, i want nieces and nephews please. thanks.

the past few weeks have been heavenly. went to Huda's play followed by the wedding which was energy consuming. but overall it was fantastic! i can't describe the whole aura but yeh, it was brilliant. i want to thank everyone who came especially my lovely girls (plus budak skinning) who came to lepak with me at Starbucks to wind down after the wedding night, aaaaaaand my gorgeous JC girls Nicole, Teran and WanYi.

actually ive got lots to say but im tired.
alahai.
minum teh ais lah.
kbye.

2011-12-02T00:10:00.001+08:00

every time i see you, it pains me how much crap we had to go through to get to where we are today.
& yet, it is far from over.
this journey, is one that needs stamina, courage, faith and a dash of love & excitement.
and im init to win it! :)

baby, although we are plagued by incessant questions by the "higher authorities" among several other things, i want you to know i love you and you are one amazing person to be with.
never have i felt safer, never have i felt more pampered and cared for.
you're like, my sweetest escape.

i love you.
xoxo.

2011-11-30T22:04:00.001+08:00

i think everyone is stuck in this labyrinth called Life.

& i might be evolving into 'hollow men'.

2011-11-25T20:07:00.001+08:00

i am not much of a twilight saga lover, truth be told. im hardcore about harry potter though. but thus said, i am not trying to be biased or anything against vamp lovers.
i find, twilight saga truly exploits and exaggerates the strengths and weaknesses of each gender. i said gender, not sex mind you because in the story, everyone is sort of very feminine or super masculine, as in characteristically - not by physical orientation.
im just annoyed Bella can't think sensibly and do stuff by herself, she who needs Edward all the time. sheesh Bells. grow up a little will you. And Edward, stop being around Bella so much. you vamps are depending on Carlisle too much for money. go to work and leave Bella at home cooking some bloodied vegan dish or something.
the movie was, disappointing. i didn't expect much BUT i expected more graphics at least. ohwell.

&, im sick.
:(

& RF is psyched for the fourth of december!
see you all there!!
xoxo
♥♥♥♥♥

2011-11-21T17:07:00.001+08:00

have you ever felt like you're not enough?

i have.
and it sucks.

2011-11-16T18:32:00.001+08:00

there is so much to live for.

and one is you.

2011-11-15T22:23:00.001+08:00

because i helluva love you,

RF and all of you,

and you.

xoxo.

2011-11-13T16:32:00.001+08:00

i find it really funny why the tell-all relationships i have are usually the virtual ones.

2011-11-10T21:41:00.001+08:00

i am tired.

from work.

2011-11-07T21:56:00.001+08:00

korban back at thy kampung today. was an okay experience i guess since it wasn't the first time BUT, i must mention something.
THE CAR WAS FAAAABBBBB! god, i want a car like that when i have kids please please please. 10 passenger seats were very lush. and i liked the fact that all the air-conditioning outlets were working. two thumbs & eight fingers up for Hyundai Starex!
though, i must say, i MIGHT have problems parking that monster in a multi-storey car park.
back to korban, i am amazed at the ability of that man to 'hypnotize' the kambing. i mean really. it's like magic. wonder if it is - white magic i mean. the goat just slumped off to sleep. if i have that power, i won't have to put up with babies wailing at night in the future. hee.

i think i started this with a goal in mind.
but i got distracted by MVs.
so, bye for now.

xoxoxo.
♥ you many many.

2011-11-06T16:46:00.002+08:00

you know you're fabulously a goner when every sound seems too loud, when you shun technology and refuse to listen to your supposedly favourite song.
just too bad i feel all choked up with germs running in my veins.

on a brighter note, i finally got my hair corrected after a month and voila! hello, happy good hair days. :) love love love you regina.

i can't believe within the next two months, i'd say goodbye to my brother and then i'd start school. god. how time flies. when did we all grow up? when, yes when.
what is growing up anyway? i don't feel too much a difference when i was five or now when im nineteen. cept maybe im a little bit more sensible and bigger in the physical area. just last night, my dad was saying i look the same ever since i was a kid. i think he meant face-wise.
i think so too. i don't look drastically monstrous i hope.

you know, i think i came here to say something but i forgot what the point is about.
doesnt help that i have a headache that threatens to get worse if i don't get a warm shower soon.

anyway, happy aidiladha!
xoxo.

2011-11-04T23:28:00.003+08:00

i think i would have laughed incredulously last year, same time, if someone said "you will be happy next year so just hold on."
stuff has been good but there are some things i can't really find. i suppose, no two things are alike are they?
go figure.

i am a well-fed, contented and satisfied girl.
alhamdulillah.

love you.

2011-11-03T23:58:00.001+08:00

hee.

anyway, i love Mr Jums.
need i say more?

\m/

everybody is caught in a vicious cycle, repeatedly.
it's just a matter when the cycle changes or slows down.

till tomorrow. xoxo

2011-10-29T21:32:00.001+08:00

i think my dad is really funny when he watches soccer.
like he has sudden outbursts like he's having a fit or something.

so, just the other day, i was cleaning up my room (the same day i found out my life can be stored in one toyogo box), and i found things that brought back memories.
i am not really certain as to whether im happy or sad chancing upon the items but it sure feels like it allowed me a sneak peek into the past. the past that sometimes i have a memory lapse with.
i remember back then, i was trying so hard to forget but of course, the more you try to forget, the more you remember. it was tough seriously. i don't know what i was so hard up about honestly. perhaps it was because i felt that the split wasn't justified or i lost too much but through my own silly writing, i realized NOW that maybe, it really wasn't meant to be.
we were both young. terribly young.
what have you got to give when you're 16? your youth?
oh, i wish someone smacked me to maturity three years ago.

i was frustrated he didn't give me more time. that's basically the main point of my angst i think. but ohwell, i am at peace with myself despite the solitude now. not that im alone, i have Mr Jums :D
i just felt, reading something that was written years ago made me feel older somehow. and i know how those pages were filled with promises and hope, only to be broken and shattered.
bad luck though, reading it refreshed the agony.
i remember the nights. the horrible horrible nights. the nights i drowned in myself. the days i didn't want to see or feel. the times when i wished i could sleep and sleep till the pain goes away. but really, there's no easy way out of it.

im just glad im okay now.
:)
and i have someone to love, who loves me too.
and so, i want to type our story here today in case i ever forget it.

i met this person, when i was thirteen. a difficult age. an age where i hated everything and anything because i have bad hair days and such - awkward in my own skin. i can't really recall as to how we happened to exchange emails or was it friendster because i seriously don't remember EVER talking to him in school. not once. sure i've seen him in the corridors or CCA block but it never bothered me as to who he was. all i remember was that, he's a prefect, a malay and tall.
funnily though, we became friends online. on MSN. and i suppose im a chatterbox up on MSN because i can hide behind the virtual screen. i treated him as though i won't ever see him in real life so i talked about everything on earth that came to my mind at the spur of the moment. and he too treated me like he wont see me so he told me everything - majorly girls.
being a tomboy (used to), i can relate quite okay-ly. so i began to give advice (might seem silly now). and he on the other hand divulged as to who he had crushes on, etc etc. i shall not put names on here but yeh, he told me about these three prominent girls and boy oh boy the words he used actually epitomises the emotion he is feeling.
having this "bond" online made many of my friends think that he likes me but i never believed it. i don't usually believe people till they say it. im straightforward like that. and the most exciting part of this whole "bond" was the fact that the person he liked was someone close to me. and i was all for it in bringing them together. win-win for me, in a way.
but fate has it, everything turned topsy turvy when this boy made a mistake of being too greedy. i do not know how to describe how i felt really. betrayed? disappointed? unappreciated? maybe a bit of each. i just knew it was melampau so i left.
but this boy chased. he chased and chased and chased.
and he apologized and apologized and apologized. (i sort of fast forwarded the story)
i am not sure how long it took him to soften me up but i think, i sort of felt less mad april onwards. and things became better i guess till today.
this boy met me one day after he returned from thailand and asked me by a swamp if im okay being his girlfriend. BY A SWAMP! but okaylah, he brought a ring and im still amazed as to how he knew my size without measuring my finger at all.
i am glad somehow, though, the beginning wasnt that idyllic. however, it is a good price to pay for the ease things are now. despite that, i think, these scars are here to stay, to remain and to remind.
to you,
you might not have been the best you could've been back then.
but it's okay. you're the best right now and i love you. love you like hersheys milk chocolate.
♥

2011-10-27T09:09:00.001+08:00

Dear God,
thank you for everything.
Love,
hidayah ♥

life couldn't be perfect-er.
xoxo.

2011-10-23T22:16:00.001+08:00

being me, is not so difficult. (sounds like 'the life & wants of raphael')
yet, i am finding it truly difficult to express myself. tell me, is this a consequence of building certain walls or something. not that i want to express myself crazily but certain things i want to say, i fail to get the message across. like, the main point gets lost along the way.
why is that? or isit just me.

i feel like a container of sorts.
solid on the outside, empty on the inside. i don't know how to fill me in. there are loads of things i should be happy about, no doubt, but the satisfaction is usually less than it's supposed to be.
it's not that i don't appreciate enough. it's just, the emotion. not something i can help besides trying to psycho myself to be abit more positive. i feel, like im missing out on alot of things, and yet this is supposed to be the prime of my life.
who says?

i am a worrywart.
i usually am a rather cool person who's well organized because i hate my routine to be re-shuffled (im wired that way) but i truly hate my tendencies to over think about other people.
seriously, it drains me to no end but i myself do not know how to stop this. im constantly trying to not anger someone or do something stupid to annoy another human being, so much so, i feel like im not myself.
not myself in the sense, i will not do something that bothers other people. so inevitably, i am quite annoying because i keep trying to assure myself that whatever i do is fine.
i am not writing this to gain sympathy or trying to act like im all noble, no. i am thinking, it is highly possible that im all stressed up and have tensed shoulder muscles because i contemplate nonsense. i am afraid as to how people view me. no, im not emo or whatever. it's just something i feel.

i do admire other people's ability to not have these feelings.
probably, i have them because i don't have a sense of purpose or fulfillment. and of course that is solely my fault. i don't really know what i truly want. i am just merely drifting along doing whatever that im told to do. im always saying "ah, okay" or "ape ape ah" or "ah whatever". is that really good? to be so easy?

oh well,
im just contemplating.

2011-10-22T22:41:00.000+08:00

so i had the most hilarious day today.
been ages since i blogged a "what-i-did-today" post but ah whatev.
i got Mr Jums out to something he has never done before, which is rollerblading. now, don't you dare chuckle at this because i think it takes lots of guts and determination to try it.
the experience was somewhat serious mixed with laughter because of certain things i cannot divulge *nudgenudge* & overall i thought bf did pretty well for a first timer.
though, i must mention, I've never seen him as serious as this or as determined. i mean really, half the time i was fretting that this was a bad idea & fearing he was pissed at me or something but thank heavens, he smiled at the end of the day.
through the first leg, i thought the heat was trying to kill me but guess what happened? it rained! and no small drizzle. i know i was top soaked and the path was slippery but amazing boy sped the journey back in half the time.
fabulous feat no? been ages since i appreciated rain like that but im glad God tipped the clouds today because it was wonderful. the cool air was like a fresh breather. somehow it woke both of us up and the scenery seemed sharper and the suns rays hit just right after that.
BUT!
i won't be quick to suggest this again anytime soon, im sure.

i am loving everything right now.
to tiny teeny bits.
& i love you.

honestly, i hope with all the shattered pieces of my heart, that this one is right.

2011-10-20T11:57:00.001+08:00

i am tired from everything and nothing.

2011-10-19T07:43:00.003+08:00

often, i have stuff to write during other times but once im here, all thoughts vanish.
hmm.

annoying isn't it.

2011-10-06T18:27:00.000+08:00

i want to go holidaying at some exotic place,
and if not, i just want the beach, an airconditioned room and a bath tub. that'd feel holiday-ish for me.

-
somehow, i feel like there's a lapse in my memory.
of which is of course, merepek.

i've got a soft spot for elephants.

2011-10-04T22:46:00.000+08:00

to feel sober without being drunk beforehand.
that's a reality smack for you.

i can't fathom why you'd need my number when we don't even talk ever since primary school.
talk about trying to be popular.

2011-10-02T21:19:00.002+08:00

truth be told,
all my emotional lengthy posts are in draft form.

& im contemplating saying goodbye to chikiwawa for good.
if i do, i'll private lock this from wednesday onwards.

see ya.

2011-09-28T22:47:00.002+08:00

scrutinising your countenance to commit it to memory.

2011-09-26T10:57:00.001+08:00

watching TH'11 makes me miss that life all over again.

-

how long was i warranted to wait?

2011-09-25T00:18:00.001+08:00

i like my guys looking geeky.
that's random but yeh. i have a thing for geeks too. not the talk smartass type but the look type.

lately, i think age has been catching up with me. it has just dawned on me that im almost two decades old. and that's pretty old on the youth-o-meter.
i should be celebrating my youth but yet, somehow i feel sluggish. like im burdened. not that tragedy has befallen me but i just feel that way. the vibe you know?

ohwell.

bed time.

2011-09-23T22:24:00.002+08:00

saya tak minat orang high maintenance.
aksyen aje.

2011-09-22T19:44:00.000+08:00

just because.

2011-09-21T08:46:00.003+08:00

ive been chancing upon possible great angles but i always dont have a cam to shoot em.

pfft.

2011-09-20T22:06:00.001+08:00

because im torn.

2011-09-18T07:50:00.002+08:00

felt like a Mt Rosie run.

2011-09-16T19:02:00.001+08:00

when you drive, you feel.
like feeling yourself mounting the curb?

YES.

i really really really want to go to the zoo and see all the snakes and seals and hippos and bears and tigers and all the animals, inhaling their body odour.
and the orangutans. don't forget them.

2011-09-12T21:17:00.003+08:00

six more pracs.

2011-09-09T18:28:00.000+08:00

pucker lips.

i hate it when i have this thing that has to come out of me but i cant arrange the words right to form a coherent thought to convey the message.
troubling indeed.

it's like this.
im probably warped. suffocating in nothingness and everything-ness. i either have lots to say or nothing at all.

& YAYYYYY PARKING BAGUS!!

till then.

2011-09-07T19:25:00.002+08:00

there's so much to love about all of you.

gosh, precious.

xoxo (:

i've never been happier.

2011-09-05T19:50:00.003+08:00

you know what feels right?
it's when the stranger two seats next to you look upon both of you and smile in approval.
because inside, you know every smile is like a prayer.

a prayer,
for you,
for me.

2011-09-02T21:07:00.002+08:00

you know what's tough?

tough is,
when you know how you can get pure bliss and not getting it.
avoiding it, staying away from it, killing it.

it's like, saying no to your addiction. but it wouldn't end. because it just won't die.
like smokers saying "i can stop anytime, just that i don't want to."
-

because this heart is too small, and too weak, and too imperfect for you.

2011-08-31T12:14:00.002+08:00

Happy Eid Ya'll ☺

my favourite girl
probably the last one with abang around in the same vehicle

i've got tons more photos but ohwell, that'd be for me. :)

hope you guys had a good one!

xoxo.

& yeh, i love my super red lips which my brother says made me look like getai.

whatever.

2011-08-30T07:57:00.002+08:00

feast time bebeh!

writing out apologies up on the net seems mass produced and i do not feel the sincerity emitting from these texts.
so save it, im not going to do that. maybe when our paths cross will i do the whole ceremony.

:)

see you soon!

2011-08-29T00:14:00.003+08:00

been dreaming alot of running.
if only i ran as much in real life.

almost.
almost.
but never right.

2011-08-27T12:50:00.000+08:00

my bulging biceps.

hee.

2011-08-26T22:52:00.002+08:00

i let time fly by. & me in a drunken stupor.

lost.

2011-08-22T22:53:00.003+08:00

reboot.

in a place where things are meant to remain constant, nothing stays the same.
because we are all in a wild sheep's chase.
-

for the reasons you kiss these scars.
and hold me close when fears threaten to overwhelm and consume me.

love you.

2011-08-14T21:05:00.002+08:00

Run

&

crash.

2011-08-10T18:15:00.001+08:00

how do you fuse two separate entities together?
like oil and water.

there's so much you're supposed to hate me for.
but yet,
yet,
here we are.

2011-08-01T20:48:00.001+08:00

im excited for everything that awaits me :)

2011-07-26T18:37:00.003+08:00

change. it's usually gradual yet if you don't take the journey but instead take two ends of it to compare, you'd know you've come a long way.

i have. so have you.

i haven't blogged properly for ages. because i find, there's not much to say because nobody actually reads this space anymore. not that i mind alot, though more often than not, i can't find the right words to string together to form a coherent expression of what im thinking or feeling.

get it? it's like there's a whirlwind going on in my head.

right, back on track, im nineteen now. that's five years since i started this blog going, when i was fourteen. being fourteen and being nineteen are two different things. i wasn't as awesome as my sister when i was fourteen. i wasn't as expressive, i wasn't as funny.
but one thing im sure of when i was fourteen was that, i was someone people can push around. to boot, the life i had was minimal, like a robot. yet, i believe, being fourteen justifies that. though, at fourteen, i escaped the clutches of someone who taught me the meaning of self-worth versus physical pain. was the most dramatic episode of my fourteenth year.
being fifteen wasn't very different. same ol' same ol'. nothing new. but the beginning of growing up probably started when i was sixteen.
im not saying i was a difficult person when i was sixteen. in fact, i think i was rather the good girl just that i had passion blazing in me, a time where there shouldn't have been what with the O levels. & it was the age where i was trying to find myself. i found my brilliant friends Hamatang that has stayed on till now too. and it's also the age where i met a person who caught me by surprise. this very person caused me to nose dive into a dark abyss of unhappiness when i was seventeen, but still i love him for the person he is flaws aside.
being seventeen and eighteen, it was like a block of one thing and one thing only: school. not much happened and i met my T4 girls who, though i am not super close with them, i do love them just the same. they're a wonderful bunch of people.
the peak of being seventeen and eighteen would probably be me trying to pick up pieces of myself that shattered. it taught me that i am strong enough to be alone and that i didn't really need anyone because not anyone was there except God. sure maybe i might have been raw with some people but that was a mistake on my part to unload myself like that. i don't blame anyone because at this age, people are partying to their youth. im not troubled, don't get me wrong. it was just a sobering experience, something that has lots of lessons to be learnt from.

now, being 19, im making my own decisions. i wouldn't know if they're right or wrong but i have faith God knows best. i've met a person who has caused loads of trouble but through the whole mayhem, i find myself riddled with him (not in a bad way). i won't say it's going to last forever because forever can be over, but im going to say that this is as good as it gets. everything has been wonderful and beautiful and im becoming stronger as a person day by day.
i used to whine about my day when i was fourteen but now, i whine about virtually nothing and everything in my head. im opinionated and YES i am contented. happy and fat.
my family has been brilliant through my life, and i love them very much. there's no other family i'd rather have.

point is,
i grew into my own skin.
:)

dear God,
thank You.
love,
hidayah.

2011-07-25T23:01:00.003+08:00

love you like the distance from earth to the moon.

2011-07-17T21:00:00.001+08:00

to breathe you in and see you smile.

i ♥ you.
(:

2011-07-12T21:17:00.002+08:00

this pain feels familiar.
the constant need to forget but remembering anyway, the slow venom seeping through your heart when you chance upon pictures, the feeling of despair and helplessness.
i feel lost.
in a limbo.
how do you grasp this meaning, of going away without saying goodbye.

it scares me because i know, this won't be the last time i feel this. i'd face it time and time again because everything here is just temporary.
how strong can you be, how rational can you stay, how much are you going to lose, and when?

im not ready.
im not ready for you to go.
im not ready for me to go.
im not ready for anyone i know to go.
yet, nobody is going to wait for me to be ready.

i really hoped it was a quick one for you. because you're such a nice person. till we meet again at padang mahsyar.

Ya Allah,
give us all strength to face this loss.
Love,
hidayah.

2011-07-11T23:42:00.002+08:00

death is a part of me,
not apart.

roads scare me now.

Dear God,
love him like we did.
Always yours,
hidayah

2011-07-06T14:40:00.002+08:00

i chopped my sun-kissed locks.
is that earth shattering or what. nah, im kidding. feels weird to have lesser hair. lighter though. but i haven't plucked up enough courage to cut it brutally short.
after raya perhaps.

i think beyonce is hypnotizing.

till then.

2011-07-04T22:23:00.002+08:00

i think it's pretty scary how people define you in all the wrong ways, but yet society accepts it as the norm.
it's like, you're beautiful in the wrong aspects.

i must be pretty ugly.

i have these instances where i feel wrong in my own skin. like i wish i can be something else. for example, when i see pretty people, i wish i can be like them. i wish i have their eyes, or legs, or something of that sort. but in the end, i just feel like, damn, my own are good enough for me.
but there's this perpetual annoyance at myself for not being able to be girly enough. i feel too masculine for my own good but yet, it's where i grow and excel best. i can get down and dirty at a more higher degree than most girls next door.
but really, is that something to be proud of?
im not so sure.
sure, i can fight, i can talk, i can fend for myself but is that a trait that's good for me?

damn you and your defining stereotypical charateristics.
pfft.

-
Dear God,
you know lately how i pray for this something.
i hope you hear me.
Love,
hidayah

2011-06-30T22:59:00.002+08:00

i am fickle.
case in point?
i wanna go tanning but i still want to be fair.

2011-06-29T12:09:00.000+08:00

when you've no reply for the things said,
just hug.

2011-06-28T13:59:00.002+08:00

when the heartbeat thumps loudly and reverberates through my soul.
when whispers are all that you can manage.
when your eyes become the windows to your world.
when the only warmth emanates from your skin.
when your touch leaves a trail of love.

that is when, you'd know definitely.

euphoric exaltation.

2011-06-27T06:09:00.002+08:00

im a watsons member.
in your face everybody. MUAHAHAHAHA.

2011-06-24T11:47:00.002+08:00

im annoyed and frustrated.

chocolate therapy.

2011-06-23T10:38:00.000+08:00

vile.

2011-06-20T22:45:00.000+08:00

i thought it was never possible.
well,
impossible is nothing.

2011-06-19T23:05:00.001+08:00

enjet enjet semut siapa sakit naik atas.

damn i love you two so much. :)
it's amazing how kids laughter can make your day.

2011-06-18T19:50:00.000+08:00

morph.

2011-06-17T10:37:00.002+08:00

im a grouchy fellow lately. im full of spikes so stay away.

2011-06-14T23:55:00.002+08:00

honestly, i have a million things to write about, a million conflicting thoughts, a million opinions i'd like to give but yet, i do not know where to start.
hmm.

being me, is relatively simple. but more often than not, i think i have the ability to think too much to the point i start being overly paranoid/cautious for no sensible reason.
i woke up feeling off key knowing at the back of my mind, im not alone anymore. how absurd that feeling is. it's like, there's two of you instead of just one. like, you have to think beyond your own brain, beyond your own skin. does that make sense?
i just fear the day would come when i get this disheartening feeling and the overwhelming tiredness from doing things that goes unappreciated. am i strong enough for that yet?
am i ready to know that my plans can be destroyed by someone else who might cancel at the last minute, who might not be able to make it, who might have other plans that doesn't include me?
also, what makes me think im good enough for anyone? maybe i love my own company too much. maybe i don't listen to anyone else for my own good. it's scary how i can go around alone and not feel awkward like some people do. i don't itch to phone anyone if im alone, case in point.

the feeling is brutal. the familiarity of everything mashed together with the new stuff.
i'd hate to find myself in the same spot again. going thru the same things. it's just plain stupid if i do.
but yet, why do things repeat in a cycle. why can't people live for the present and just cherish everything they have to the maximum ability and not, throw away things and come back for it.
seeing you brings pain sometimes. because i know at the back of my head that im not the first, im not special. sure, i was never anyone's first but still, it'd be nice to eliminate my knowledge of other people. to know of other people's beauty is to realize how conspicuous my flaws really are.
meh, and i wonder why im so magnanimous. chey, macam faham.

and this post isn't a sad post.
this is what you call, SELF REFLECT.

2011-06-13T12:13:00.000+08:00

hot.

2011-06-11T08:36:00.002+08:00

hidayah, i give you the cookie mix then you bake for us laaa. please?
as if im paid to do that. sheesh. is that included inside my 6$/hr job scope?

coming home :D

2011-06-08T10:01:00.002+08:00

dolphins dolphins.
:)

i feel like eating strawberry ice cream.
and i like black clothes just because i dont look pale in them.
and i loooove chocolate, right above sour tapes.
is that a problem?

i am light headed today.

2011-06-07T20:49:00.002+08:00

syukur alhamdulillah God is helping me so i feel a little bit better and excited.
inilah akibat manusia yang dahulu kala benci membaca buku bahasa Melayu.

i have too many emotions to write anything that makes sense right now.
all i feel like doing is sing and do a little jig.

:D

2011-06-06T19:13:00.003+08:00

this post is boring. because im bored and im typing this for something to do.

my off days has been spent atrophying my muscles. sure i did run on sunday morning but that's the max i went. this does not include vaccuuming the house and folding clothes and chores-ish things that gives the body a little workout.

so, i really hate chores that has got to do with clothes. reason being, i revolve around it at work and i don't really favour repeating the same thing again at home. but ohwell, just do it.

mom took me by surprise this morning because in her attempt to get me to sweep the house, she said "dah ada boyfriend kan? must learn how to sweep or else boyfriend tak suke."

-.-

anyways, i did achieve some stuff like clearing out my wardrobe which is a sad sight to see now. i have a small pile of "going out" clothes and the rest are "sleep-in" clothes. i managed to reject all my national-based/school-based shirts thank heavens and i have two piles of martial arts stuff that i don't know what to do with. they take up half of my wardrobe.
in addition, i read three books in a week. im word-fied, in the sense my head is swimming with reading too much, too long. but i loved it all the same :)

i found The Lovely Bones at the library so that saves me 10$. but that's small comfort as compared to me spending 400$ to top up my BBDC account. ugh.

-

when i look at some things around me, it makes me imagine what my future would be like and how i'd want it to be.

i love the sight of old couples actually (old as in the people are old, not the duration of a relationship).

it makes me feel like maybe, people can last. not everybody break their promises. and maybe, not everyone is alone and cold. i remember one old couple at Fish & Co over at Bugis. i don't know what caught my attention with them. i rarely remember things like this. this old couple was sweet. they laughed, they smiled, and they held hands on the table.

how many people can claim that they do that when they're old and withered?

i want to grow old like that too. i want to be chubby when im old. i want to bake cakes for my grandchildren (if not, scrambled eggs with kicap would suffice). i want to savour my mornings with walks together with my husband. i want to sleep knowing a body next to me will keep me warm even if the blanket doesn't.

i have big dreams for a girl quite young. in the future, i hope my full-time career wouldn't be that of an administrator of some big shot company. my long-term career would be mother: driver, caregiver, lover, cook, cleaner, strength.
hidayah macam faham. angan-angan banyak. gatal eh.

Dear God,
tell me it's right.
Love, Hidz
Amin.

2011-05-30T20:26:00.002+08:00

been hell of a day. i've never thought i'd see the day where im rushing for someone else's flight.
first the passport, then the visa. it'll go down in history as one of the family "mishaps".

so, seeing that huda has gotten her holiday, it made me realise it's been AGES since i went beyond the johor-singapore borders and it sickens me to think, gosh im caged in.
I WANT TO HOLIDAYYYYYY. please dear God, help me.
i envision hours frittered away by the beach with clear waters (snorkeling tops the list!) and lots of sun and just, i dont know, sound of the waves? you know, laze around with sand encrusted feet.
i don't need activities lined up. im the type to 'free & easy'. do whatever that i feel like doing. and it frightens me to know that i won't get this "HOLIDAY" till probably my honeymoon.
ohgod.
ohgod im only 19. don't do this to me.
often, im just turned off by the urban jungle. i NEED birds chirping. not honking cars and FUYOOO, exhaust fumes.

for now, im just betting on my USS in july.
one step at a time baby.

:)

2011-05-29T14:29:00.000+08:00

because eventually, we just have to face it.

2011-05-28T11:10:00.002+08:00

ASKDJNUIYDEMKJMDFWIUENMKAJDMNIJHNFWUEBFG.
WEJMIOJMDWOEURNBEYR.

grouchy mood.
it's the kind of mood where you wanna scream and shout, and then realize, shit, you have no voice.

sigh.

2011-05-27T22:23:00.002+08:00

should i..

REOPEN FB.

food for thought.

my day has been frittered away on the bed. literally. i slept such long hours, it's unbelievable. and all this sleeping without a drug to aid me. just plonk and poof, im a goner.
so, morning was spent breakfasting with family and by golly i was annoyed at my unruly hair. doesn't help that my serum stash is gone (i did stock up by midday so yay!). afterwhich, the doctors.
again, the same policeman was there and i pity him somewhat. he was roaming around aimlessly doing nothing in particular with noone to talk to. and to boot, there was this baby who was wailing for ages! i am in awe for his (the baby's) mother because she never shouted at her child, just started pacing and shushing for about an hour. an hour is a big feat yo. i wouldn't spend an hour shushing a wailing child. i'd just be at it for max thirty minutes and call my husband for help. so hopefully, my husband shall be good with kids.
being plagued with this virus isn't funny. i got a second look at the pharmacy because i PRESUME the person serving me thought im a cross gender or something. with a voice so low (and husky) but the face of a girl. sheesh. and she was openly smirking! lady, you smirk to yourself, not at me.
talking is really an uphill task. i get breathlessness just trying to complete a sentence asking "where's the remote control?" it's like, i need triple my energy just to talk. neneks and atuks, i totally feel you.

one last thing i need to clear out of my chest.
maybe you'd read this, i don't know. i rarely know things lately, what with your secretive demeanour.
anyhoo, what i wanna say is, i really want to know why you're here. what's your motive.
i highly doubt you came back for me. i think, you came back for you. what you seek is a place where you can boost your ego. to have a little attention. it has always been like that. perhaps it drives home the reason why you wouldn't answer my questions with straight answers. you want me hanging around long enough for you to be okay and get running.
if truly you came back for me, then, i'm in awe. because it'd mean God answered my prayers. just that, the timing's not right.

so tell me.

Dear God,
let truth prevail.
Love,
hidayah
Amin.

2011-05-27T07:32:00.002+08:00

the epitome of perfection and bliss.

2011-05-25T10:20:00.000+08:00

journeys.

2011-05-22T22:47:00.002+08:00

it's like a narcotic. at first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. the next day, you want more. you're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. you think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours. but then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. if he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. and just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love.
-by the river piedra i sat down and wept
Paulo Coelho

i know my blog has been kind of EMPTY for such a long time. i feel, different. being here.
once before, this site was purely a site to let go, let go of angst, tears and bull. now, im happy and feel no need to jot things down but yet, perhaps, a self reminder could suffice.
more than a year ago i was broken, shattered but im pleased to say, right now, im flying so high. yet, at this height, i sense fear, fear that i'd fall and once again, i'd be in the vicious cycle of hurt.
it's stupid. i don't exactly know what im looking for. in fact, i KNOW im not looking for anything in particular. however, stuff happens so you have to somehow take it in your stride.
God has been amazing. just that maybe, the timing's kinda off this time. and perhaps it's a test of faith to something more solid than just Him. something that i can physically touch (though not at the moment) and know he's real.

i am happy. honestly. and because of this i could be gaining weight soon. (ironically i get tired so easily lately, it worries me) being this kind of happy is dangerous. because this is the kind of happy you get from someone else. the kind of happy where you're dependent on another being. like what i used to call "emotion controller". i hate the fact im letting someone else control my moods and be the reason why im feeling whatever whenever.
but then again, i can't ignore the fact that perhaps this thing blooming inside of me is credible. okay so maybe it wasn't as exhilirating and strong like what i had with G, but perhaps being slower makes it stronger to withstand time and age? i don't know. i won't ever know till i experience it myself.
often, i question myself. is he a good person for me? i don't believe in love like a sucker but i believe in comfort because to me, comfort goes a long way. if i can drop my image infront of a person, then maybe, i can bare my soul and be myself in the raw form. i'd be more at ease with myself and him, act crazy and never feel surpressed. to let myself know that just maybe, im not alone.
i also have to consider, am i a good person for him. i think no but nobody seems to listen. what he wants is everything im not and yet, i have to face the possibility of trying so hard to make up for my shortcomings if i want to give this a chance.

so, what do you think?

Dear God,
grant me a school.
Love,
hidayah.

2011-05-20T22:49:00.000+08:00

2011-05-16T23:02:00.000+08:00

to drown in happiness.

2011-05-16T07:29:00.002+08:00

♥

isn't it fearsome how, you used to hurt like never before, when pain oozes out of every pore of your body for such a long time, and the person who caused it never apologized, never turned up to say everything's okay, and now when you're obliviously happy and drunk, the person shows up and you're confused.
striking fear in your core, fear that you'd be caught in the vicious cycle of hurt, fear that you'd fall again.

when i saw you, after a year, all that ran through my mind was "what the hell am i doing? this is crazy."
and if i was a more emotive person, i would've yearned to inflict pain just as you had. in all ways - physical, mental, emotional - just to let you have a piece of my dark time. yet, i am amazed that despite the flashbacks that drowned me in that moment, i felt perfectly at peace with myself. like i have new found strength that i never knew i had.

indefinitely, i am surprised that you remembered. that you remembered how long it's been. i never expected you to be the type to remember anything at all once you've let go.
but thank you, because it means i meant a bit to you once at least. that what you and i shared, wasn't a mirage. it was real. so i'd know i wasn't up in the clouds by myself.

and, honestly, despite the years i've aged because of you, i want you to know, i will always try to be here for you. because you gave me that much back then.

♥,
hidayah.

Dear God,
once i prayed for this and i'll ask for it again.
shed a little light?
Amin.

2011-05-11T11:00:00.000+08:00

whirlwind.

2011-05-10T23:23:00.003+08:00

roads.

been a major long while.

till then,

Dear God,
i love you.
Amin.

2011-05-04T23:04:00.003+08:00

i demand a niece/nephew from you two. and im not kidding.

the wedding was HOT but it feels nice to have the whole family together. even kak noi flew back in from NZ, muaaaah! and one day, i'll post up a picture of my current favourite toddler.she's the red one up there) ☺

i thought i ate lots at the wedding and the day before but apparently, when i think about it, i starved myself. one meal a day? damn even japan victims eat more.

i thank you-know-who for coming though he got scolded by my humongous cousins. it's hilarious nevertheless.

anyway, my life has been a flurry of activities and large silent spaces in between so yeah, i get maxed out often. im sorry to my pretty CJ babies for not meeting up often. i will treat you girls okay? and not forgetting, WHERE IS MY HAMATANG LATELY?

right now, im pretty much stupid and wanting to sleep so, i'll update in the next long while.

xoxo

love,

Hidz ♥

i was just roughly looking through my archives from chikiwawa and it dated right back to 2007. and this, with a few hundred posts that i deleted because i sound super cheesy in them.

i realized, i've become less whiny, less "life-story"-ish and my posts are becoming shorter and shorter. also, my posts in my late teens are pictureless.

in addition, my old posts seems to be straighforward. all my thoughts are typed word by word to make the visual clear but now, i only do few liners and leave whoever who reads this to guess at what im trying to say.

ohwell.

2011-05-03T19:10:00.002+08:00

safe but dangerous.
hate but love.
want but wrong.
easy but tough.

go figure.

2011-04-24T22:22:00.002+08:00

rewind.