3.59am
i am in a whirl.
sometimes, when a person lives, it doesn't really mean that she's alive.
she, may be dead inside.
an empty shell.
because her reason for displaying exuberance is gone.
her reason for laughter.
her reason for happiness.
her reason to live for the present.
she'd be rooted to one spot, not living, not dying. because she doesn't want to let go, not yet.
she feeds off hope. hope that one day, the reason would come back.
but what if it doesn't?
what would happen?
i, for one, do not know because im in that 'hope-for-the-best' stage. i refuse to let go.
i love you.
crank away.
♥ Sunday, December 06, 2009
i skipped medication today. the whole day. and i don't remember taking it yesterday as well.
so definitely, im getting worse. my voice is hoarse, like a male. i have to clear it every few minutes or so and i have coughing fits when my throat starts to itch real mad.
i realize, the medication makes me sleep soundly for HOURS. and nowadays, i prefer to have snippets of sleep. like 2-3 hours and wake up for a bit, and sleep again. even my nights are like that. i have 'wake-up' dreams. and that's not even me waking up to alarm clocks, it's the mental drama in my sleep.
so yeh, im awake at about 2.30am, and then later on at 4.30am. then a huge jump to 9.30 or sometimes 8.30 in the morning, if my body decides to wake up earlier.
today for example, i woke up early because i was breaking out in cold sweat for no reason. but for the first time ever, i decided to let it be and just settle under the comforters being sticky but freezing.
i have a toned tummy due to bending over hundreds of times for coughing fits. it's awesome. exercising without meaning to.
and the last time i checked myself out in the mirror, i thought i looked okay but on the meaty side. and mom thinks im insane because she says im fine. hold it, im not aneroxic or bulimic, i dont think about what i eat. just check out my breakfast today. chocolate chips, nuts, green apple, more chocolate chips. and then for dinner, i had BK again. and oh yeh, i usually forgot about lunch.
i want to go for a run but then again, coughing fits aren't fun in the middle of running when your heart is pounding and there's accumulation of lactic acid and oxygen deficit to repay. so im subdued.
this passage up above isn't what my heart sets out to type. really. it's just a distracter(sp?).
what i want to say is,
no matter how much i set my heart on something, and hang on to it,
it doesn't really stay.
because sometimes, it isn't enough to just do that.
if only he knows how serious i am.
how serious i am about everything.
ohwell.
i skipped medication today. the whole day. and i don't remember taking it yesterday as well.
so definitely, im getting worse. my voice is hoarse, like a male. i have to clear it every few minutes or so and i have coughing fits when my throat starts to itch real mad.
i realize, the medication makes me sleep soundly for HOURS. and nowadays, i prefer to have snippets of sleep. like 2-3 hours and wake up for a bit, and sleep again. even my nights are like that. i have 'wake-up' dreams. and that's not even me waking up to alarm clocks, it's the mental drama in my sleep.
so yeh, im awake at about 2.30am, and then later on at 4.30am. then a huge jump to 9.30 or sometimes 8.30 in the morning, if my body decides to wake up earlier.
today for example, i woke up early because i was breaking out in cold sweat for no reason. but for the first time ever, i decided to let it be and just settle under the comforters being sticky but freezing.
i have a toned tummy due to bending over hundreds of times for coughing fits. it's awesome. exercising without meaning to.
and the last time i checked myself out in the mirror, i thought i looked okay but on the meaty side. and mom thinks im insane because she says im fine. hold it, im not aneroxic or bulimic, i dont think about what i eat. just check out my breakfast today. chocolate chips, nuts, green apple, more chocolate chips. and then for dinner, i had BK again. and oh yeh, i usually forgot about lunch.
i want to go for a run but then again, coughing fits aren't fun in the middle of running when your heart is pounding and there's accumulation of lactic acid and oxygen deficit to repay. so im subdued.
this passage up above isn't what my heart sets out to type. really. it's just a distracter(sp?).
what i want to say is,
no matter how much i set my heart on something, and hang on to it,
it doesn't really stay.
because sometimes, it isn't enough to just do that.
if only he knows how serious i am.
how serious i am about everything.
ohwell.
crank away.
♥ Friday, December 04, 2009
teehee.
i got this.
the yellow one.
unique colour. huda wanted it in pink but pink is so common. don't you think so?
so far, i haven't really tried dunking it in water but it's supposed to be waterproof. the other digi cam that was eyecatching is the samsung dual LCD thing. but i reckon, it's a total waste of money. i mean, i don't really want such an expensive one. come on, my budget was a mere 80$. the one up above is 299$. big gap there.
mom bought a canon selphy photo printer as well. she has one, with her picture printed on it.
just aiming on this two, we got additional things. not fantastic but they're okay. 8 GB mem card, reader, tripod stand, bluetooth something.
anyway, day was good. knee crackingly good.
ate two lunches. dinner was pineapple cream pie from LJS.
oh i snapped first forty pictures of mom, bro, huda, nayli, zaki, hazim, afina, mali and dina. oh and me of course. shall upload them when i feel like it. and i video-ed zaki doing the Ngok thing. darn hilarious.
i already feel the "i-hate-school" vibe when i face the computer or even my JC stuff box.
i am so dreading this.
if i own those huge tractors with the demolishing ball, i shall tear down the school.
pity, i don't. okay, i can't do that. that'd be illegal.
hidayah, get the right attitude. get a grip.
crank away.
♥
i woke up at 2.30 am, to see my phone with two bars batt and i slide it up for fun and went back to bed.
at 4.30 am, i coughed like a maniac and curled up but my throat hurts too much so i got up and faced the darkness walking to the washroom in mom's room, and then back to the dining table to drink. i have a habit of peeing before i drink anything. yeh, im weird. so? but i like having a clean gut.
so after drinking, i decided to slide my phone back down, and VOILA! i saw a text. what an early goodnight text. so by right, it should be a good morning text. ohwell, thanks. no matter how late it is, still counts. :)
coach thinks i lost alot of weight.
did i? i didn't do anything. in fact i ate alot when i was at batam for fear i'd go hungry. and then there was raya which i ate many rounds.
and im skinny now?
eeeerieeeee.
mom asked me to hunt for a camera.
someone help me.
i woke up at 2.30 am, to see my phone with two bars batt and i slide it up for fun and went back to bed.
at 4.30 am, i coughed like a maniac and curled up but my throat hurts too much so i got up and faced the darkness walking to the washroom in mom's room, and then back to the dining table to drink. i have a habit of peeing before i drink anything. yeh, im weird. so? but i like having a clean gut.
so after drinking, i decided to slide my phone back down, and VOILA! i saw a text. what an early goodnight text. so by right, it should be a good morning text. ohwell, thanks. no matter how late it is, still counts. :)
coach thinks i lost alot of weight.
did i? i didn't do anything. in fact i ate alot when i was at batam for fear i'd go hungry. and then there was raya which i ate many rounds.
and im skinny now?
eeeerieeeee.
mom asked me to hunt for a camera.
someone help me.
crank away.
♥ Wednesday, December 02, 2009
have you ever felt stupid till you feel like tearing your hair out?
i have.
these moments are credited to one subject, and one subject only.
MATHEMATICS.
i keep making the same ol' mistakes. who the hell told me to take A math? now, who the hell told me to take H2 Math? jeez. live with it. FAMC forever. i am so loyal to this club, i disgust myself, at my own stupidity because i keep trying but there's this fog in my head everytime.
i need to psycho myself to accept math. to work around the barrier of unease.
ohwell, i've yet to complete anything fully anyway. everything is in bits and pieces.
singapore's beach is disgusting compared to perhentian island's. the grass is truly greener on other pastures isit not?
and can somebody explain to me why singapore's skies do not splay stars like those in Batam or Malaysia, although we're next to each other? i know, random, but people need to question the scenery around us. to contemplate nature's beauty (zaki's phrase).
i think, im the type of person who is excited by anything that is intriguing.
like for example, i like to see people's response to certain things, though im no good in maintaining a facade for long myself to mask my true feelings.
and in some ways, i myself do not know how i can get to know information im not supposed to know.
i was thinking, when i was out with zul the other day about what really happened that pissed me off. i realized, i just took it as an opportunity because i never reciprocated his feelings, plus he treated me bad anyway. so i didn't pause to look back to see if i had hurt him in any way since he was the one who wanted to play. i did ask him that day about what really happened, though he told me to shut up which i never did because i wanted to know how i was like in sec 2.
i also realized, im much much stronger now than i was back then. my sarcasm actually worked on him. i didn't cower, neither did i bother trying to make him happy. instead, it's the other way round now.
i asked what went on with him and M before i discovered the "affair". he said it was nothing but seriously, if it was nothing, why the guilt. so i dropped the BEFORE and asked about the AFTER instead. AFTER i ran away.
he said it ended right there. i decided in my head, it was a waste. why hurt someone you reckon you love for cheap thrill?
-
i've never felt for someone like this.
when it becomes a need to see.
to feel his presence on my fingertips.
to smell the scent of his shirt.
to seek comfort in his arms.
you'd know, when the same smell triggers your memory of this one person.
and no other.
ohmy,
what am i turning into?
have you ever felt stupid till you feel like tearing your hair out?
i have.
these moments are credited to one subject, and one subject only.
MATHEMATICS.
i keep making the same ol' mistakes. who the hell told me to take A math? now, who the hell told me to take H2 Math? jeez. live with it. FAMC forever. i am so loyal to this club, i disgust myself, at my own stupidity because i keep trying but there's this fog in my head everytime.
i need to psycho myself to accept math. to work around the barrier of unease.
ohwell, i've yet to complete anything fully anyway. everything is in bits and pieces.
singapore's beach is disgusting compared to perhentian island's. the grass is truly greener on other pastures isit not?
and can somebody explain to me why singapore's skies do not splay stars like those in Batam or Malaysia, although we're next to each other? i know, random, but people need to question the scenery around us. to contemplate nature's beauty (zaki's phrase).
i think, im the type of person who is excited by anything that is intriguing.
like for example, i like to see people's response to certain things, though im no good in maintaining a facade for long myself to mask my true feelings.
and in some ways, i myself do not know how i can get to know information im not supposed to know.
i was thinking, when i was out with zul the other day about what really happened that pissed me off. i realized, i just took it as an opportunity because i never reciprocated his feelings, plus he treated me bad anyway. so i didn't pause to look back to see if i had hurt him in any way since he was the one who wanted to play. i did ask him that day about what really happened, though he told me to shut up which i never did because i wanted to know how i was like in sec 2.
i also realized, im much much stronger now than i was back then. my sarcasm actually worked on him. i didn't cower, neither did i bother trying to make him happy. instead, it's the other way round now.
i asked what went on with him and M before i discovered the "affair". he said it was nothing but seriously, if it was nothing, why the guilt. so i dropped the BEFORE and asked about the AFTER instead. AFTER i ran away.
he said it ended right there. i decided in my head, it was a waste. why hurt someone you reckon you love for cheap thrill?
-
i've never felt for someone like this.
when it becomes a need to see.
to feel his presence on my fingertips.
to smell the scent of his shirt.
to seek comfort in his arms.
you'd know, when the same smell triggers your memory of this one person.
and no other.
ohmy,
what am i turning into?
crank away.
♥ Tuesday, December 01, 2009
am so drugged up, im living in a dream. all medication i got are drowsy ones. so, there you are.
terrible sore throat though not as bad as the other time where i have no voice at all but this one actually hurts. piercing pain.
and i've been sneezing 8962137534652364 times. my nose is constantly red. and im carrying tissues with me from room to room.
i have no idea where i got this from. this flu bug. maybe cuz i was listening to lovebug on repeat the other day. see the link? they're bugs.
okay tak funny hidayah.
i like to think that our lives are a series of songs. HAHA. i know, it's stupid but i like to imagine it that way. c'mon, it is true isn't it? there's sure to be a time where you can relate to a particular song when you're feeling something. like some songs make you feel like dancing and jumping, some songs trigger your water works, and some songs remind you of something.
i should try making up a playlist of my days though this week, the playlist only has one song.
Down - Jay Sean
he strikes me funny when he dances with the jacket flap thing. right huda?
mom has been very temperamental lately and it annoys me how she vents it out on other people.
sometimes, adults aren't always right.
i know that maybe being a teenager, there's this phase where you need time to yourself. there's this change from being the family person to being the friend person. but i try to divide my time. believe me.
which 17 year old brings her little sister around on outings most of the time?
which 17 year old lie down with her mother at night sometimes?
which 17 year old tags along with dad to fetch mom from work?
which 17 year old goes to the library alone everytime she's bored and not go shopping?
then comes the money problem. i do try to save up when i can. and i always buy food, not toys. i believe if one spends $ on food then it's okay. i don't even go shopping for clothes much. i can sum up my "go out clothes" easily: two skinnies, 3 shirts, 3 printed tees that already looks washed out, two dresses. my shoes? ahah. Nike flip flops, Vans & ipanema. only the Vans are new, the others are about a year old.
& mom scolded me the other day about not washing my purple adidas school shoes when she knows i take great care of my shoes. in fact, when i wash my shoes, i wash other people's shoes sometimes in order not to waste the soap water.
maybe what brother says is true: nothing is ever good enough for mom.
i know she cares but sometimes, it's extreme. it's a different era now.
i should start school work soon.
anybody up for studying?
am so drugged up, im living in a dream. all medication i got are drowsy ones. so, there you are.
terrible sore throat though not as bad as the other time where i have no voice at all but this one actually hurts. piercing pain.
and i've been sneezing 8962137534652364 times. my nose is constantly red. and im carrying tissues with me from room to room.
i have no idea where i got this from. this flu bug. maybe cuz i was listening to lovebug on repeat the other day. see the link? they're bugs.
okay tak funny hidayah.
i like to think that our lives are a series of songs. HAHA. i know, it's stupid but i like to imagine it that way. c'mon, it is true isn't it? there's sure to be a time where you can relate to a particular song when you're feeling something. like some songs make you feel like dancing and jumping, some songs trigger your water works, and some songs remind you of something.
i should try making up a playlist of my days though this week, the playlist only has one song.
Down - Jay Sean
he strikes me funny when he dances with the jacket flap thing. right huda?
mom has been very temperamental lately and it annoys me how she vents it out on other people.
sometimes, adults aren't always right.
i know that maybe being a teenager, there's this phase where you need time to yourself. there's this change from being the family person to being the friend person. but i try to divide my time. believe me.
which 17 year old brings her little sister around on outings most of the time?
which 17 year old lie down with her mother at night sometimes?
which 17 year old tags along with dad to fetch mom from work?
which 17 year old goes to the library alone everytime she's bored and not go shopping?
then comes the money problem. i do try to save up when i can. and i always buy food, not toys. i believe if one spends $ on food then it's okay. i don't even go shopping for clothes much. i can sum up my "go out clothes" easily: two skinnies, 3 shirts, 3 printed tees that already looks washed out, two dresses. my shoes? ahah. Nike flip flops, Vans & ipanema. only the Vans are new, the others are about a year old.
& mom scolded me the other day about not washing my purple adidas school shoes when she knows i take great care of my shoes. in fact, when i wash my shoes, i wash other people's shoes sometimes in order not to waste the soap water.
maybe what brother says is true: nothing is ever good enough for mom.
i know she cares but sometimes, it's extreme. it's a different era now.
i should start school work soon.
anybody up for studying?
crank away.
♥ Monday, November 30, 2009
im slow.
because i just started listening to the full fledged Down by Jay Sean.
it's stuck in my head now.
and i've been wearing checkered shirts everytime i go out now. it's tiring. because i want my printed shirts back but the maid never cease to burn them, everytime.
and what's with me and skinnies all the time now huh? i used to hate them and wear berms all the time.
ohwell. should go scour for cheap pants next time.
i am perpetually embarrassed.
because now, everyday someone asks me to watch myself on Razor TV. don't you DARE ask me to watch it now that you know im up for abit.
i am disgusted at myself.
im weird, because i don't like to watch myself. i don't even watch my silat performance more than once in the past. i go to great lengths in erasing the mistakes and ramming them in the deepest corners of my conciousness.
next.
i am constantly amazed at how girls take time to put on make-up. if someone asks me to get ready, i can be done in 15 minutes max because i don't wear make-up, i just feel like it ties me up somehow. like, i cant scratch my face when it's itchy or whatever.
and ytd, i further realized that make-up sometimes hurt. i know, i've been thru it. and everytime, it's the same part. EYELINER.
first time ever was when i had the makeover photoshoot thing and my eyes kept watering and the person kept asking me to relax because my tears cleaned everything right off. then, it was a few years i had to do it because of silat. yep, we had to look fierce so eyeliner comes into play. sometimes, the make-up was so ridiculous, i felt like a harlot. because i had thick blusher, thick eyeshadow, thick everything. then the most extreme one was prom. i sat there for 3 hours and i had a gray streak on my pudgy nose because kak siti accidentally brushed the liquid eyeliner on my powdered nose. i couldnt wash it off because then we'd have to re-start.
i hated prom btw.
and come to think of it, im really slow.
like, im not growing and changing.
okay i do change in the little ways like how i used to keep short hair, now im growing them out.
and my love for shoes are different. i don't own girly shoes, i buy guy ones though in the smallest size available (usually size 6).
so tell me,
how to be a proper girl? physically.
class bbq later on,
wish me luck.
because im a floater.
im slow.
because i just started listening to the full fledged Down by Jay Sean.
it's stuck in my head now.
and i've been wearing checkered shirts everytime i go out now. it's tiring. because i want my printed shirts back but the maid never cease to burn them, everytime.
and what's with me and skinnies all the time now huh? i used to hate them and wear berms all the time.
ohwell. should go scour for cheap pants next time.
i am perpetually embarrassed.
because now, everyday someone asks me to watch myself on Razor TV. don't you DARE ask me to watch it now that you know im up for abit.
i am disgusted at myself.
im weird, because i don't like to watch myself. i don't even watch my silat performance more than once in the past. i go to great lengths in erasing the mistakes and ramming them in the deepest corners of my conciousness.
next.
i am constantly amazed at how girls take time to put on make-up. if someone asks me to get ready, i can be done in 15 minutes max because i don't wear make-up, i just feel like it ties me up somehow. like, i cant scratch my face when it's itchy or whatever.
and ytd, i further realized that make-up sometimes hurt. i know, i've been thru it. and everytime, it's the same part. EYELINER.
first time ever was when i had the makeover photoshoot thing and my eyes kept watering and the person kept asking me to relax because my tears cleaned everything right off. then, it was a few years i had to do it because of silat. yep, we had to look fierce so eyeliner comes into play. sometimes, the make-up was so ridiculous, i felt like a harlot. because i had thick blusher, thick eyeshadow, thick everything. then the most extreme one was prom. i sat there for 3 hours and i had a gray streak on my pudgy nose because kak siti accidentally brushed the liquid eyeliner on my powdered nose. i couldnt wash it off because then we'd have to re-start.
i hated prom btw.
and come to think of it, im really slow.
like, im not growing and changing.
okay i do change in the little ways like how i used to keep short hair, now im growing them out.
and my love for shoes are different. i don't own girly shoes, i buy guy ones though in the smallest size available (usually size 6).
so tell me,
how to be a proper girl? physically.
class bbq later on,
wish me luck.
because im a floater.
crank away.
♥ Sunday, November 29, 2009
went to mali's house to visit him.
he looks frail and vulnerable (macam baru sunat) but his humour is still intact, thank heavens.
get well soon! :)
overall, i have nothing exciting i want to remember about today,
except oh,
the camera i wanted to get ytd increased by 40$ (im totally cheated) and so i have to save more to get it. thanks eh seller, you're totally a rip off. i tell you, if i can't get it soon, im just not going to bother and settle for the barbie one for 12dec. way cheaper. complete with batteries and film.
Brida
The Alchemist
Like the Flowing River
Veronika Decides to Die
he's not bad afterall, except he drones on about Souls in most of the books. deep writer.
anyway, good luck to those going Batam tomorrow.
have fun! :) though, i didn't particularly had much.
\m/
went to mali's house to visit him.
he looks frail and vulnerable (macam baru sunat) but his humour is still intact, thank heavens.
get well soon! :)
overall, i have nothing exciting i want to remember about today,
except oh,
the camera i wanted to get ytd increased by 40$ (im totally cheated) and so i have to save more to get it. thanks eh seller, you're totally a rip off. i tell you, if i can't get it soon, im just not going to bother and settle for the barbie one for 12dec. way cheaper. complete with batteries and film.
Brida
The Alchemist
Like the Flowing River
Veronika Decides to Die
he's not bad afterall, except he drones on about Souls in most of the books. deep writer.
anyway, good luck to those going Batam tomorrow.
have fun! :) though, i didn't particularly had much.
\m/
crank away.